If you have questions that are not answered here, please contact me using the form at the top or bottom of this page. I will probably post my answers here after I answer you, so others who have the same questions will benefit from your inquiry.
Once you complete the surrogate partner process, you will have have the tools to become a master, a leader of love, sex and intimacy in your future relationships. It is very possible that you will become a teacher to your future partners, as you remain open to learning from them as well.
The only thing that will determine how fast we proceed, or how long it will take to reach your goals, is your body. We will learn to listen to your body. Sex, intimacy and pleasure are maximized in a relaxed environment. If we go too fast or things get too intense, your body will become overwhelmed and you will check out. You may experience excessive thinking, anxiety, shame, shortness of breath, or muscle tension. At that point we will slow down and/or decrease the intensity of what we are doing so your body can relax again. So you can feel pleasure. And don't worry, there is no right or wrong speed. There's just your beautiful body and what it wants.
You are the only person who can reach your goals. To reach your goals you will need to retrain your body to be relaxed during pleasure, sex and intimacy. Each time we see one another I will give you home practices to do between our sessions. More of your progress will occur outside of our sessions than inside. That's because you are training for real life, not just for time you spend with me. And the only person who can change your real life is you. If you choose not to do the home practices, that will be your choice to not train your body and therefore not make progress.
The Triadic Model
The surrogate partner process is a therapeutic partnership with you in the lead. It involves me collaborating with your other chosen health professional like a therapist, coach or counselor.
You are the leader of your health team. In the old style of health care we would do everything our doctor said without question. Health care is not that simple anymore. There is so much conflicting information out there, no one person has all of the answers. Today, it is important that you become the CEO of your health team, that you make the core decisions based on your own wisdom.
The surrogate partner process is a triadic model - three people working together. So yes, you must work with another professional and agree that I can collaborate with them in your support, to qualify for the surrogate partner process. Most people work with a therapist and me at the same time. Others choose a coach, counselor or other talking/mind professional. If you have a question about who could be your other health care professional, just let me know. If you do not have another professional and would like a recommendation from me, just let me know.
The triadic model creates a strong support system for you as you go through what can be a monumental life change. You may be happy to have the extra support as things unfold. Plus, I am designed to be temporary. After you have my support long enough to be ready to reach your relationship goals, you may choose to have their continuing support as you proceed through your future intimate relationships.
If you work with me, you agree that I can share information with your chosen therapist, coach, counselor or other professional to support you in reaching your goals.
Here are some of the foundational agreements I request in the space we create together.
Mutual respect. We will be together so you can practice creating an intimate relationship. A successful intimate relationship is based on respect and dignity. My intention will be to offer you respect and dignity in every moment, and I will request the same.
Honesty. I will be totally honest with you and I ask you to be totally honest with me. With all of the time we will both invest, it would be wasteful if we were not honest with one another to the best of our abilities. Our time together will be more valuable and you will learn more if we are honest.
No judgment. My intention is to create a space where there is no right and wrong. there is just what is. Shame has no place in my space and neither does judgment. Judgment of ourselves or others is never helpful. Because we are human, shame and judgment will arise. That's fine, of course, it is natural. Our agreement will be to name them as soon as we become aware of them, and release them to the best of our ability. And then return to being with what is.
Emotions are welcome. One of the biggest blocks to intimacy and incredible sex is emotional repression. The beauty of our relationship is that it is a real relationship. You have a safe space to practice all aspects of relating, including expressing emotion. All are welcome - tears, laughter, anger, grief, etc.. Emotional expression gives us a rich opportunity to learn from what arises.
Arousal. Sexual arousal is a beautiful thing that should never be shamed or forced. In my space it is always OK to be sexually aroused. And it is always OK to not be sexually aroused. There will never be a time when you "should" be aroused or you "shouldn't be" aroused. We will simply be noticing what is. Also, arousal does not mean having an erection or any other specific physical reaction in the body. They are not the same. Arousal is a state of being, it's an energy.
Love. Yes, I love. I will very likely love you. The funny thing about love is that it never runs out, there is no scarcity of it. No matter how much we give out ... we can always make more. So yes, I am open to genuinely loving you.
Preparing for our Time Together
One of the most important things you can do is to dream into your ideal future. Fun, right? Of course it is, because it is YOUR IDEAL future with sex and intimacy! Set aside time and dream. Envision the most exciting possible future for your love life. After all, we will never get there if we don't know where we are going. Once you have a strong vision, I will hold it with you and walk with you toward your specific vision. And don't worry, I have a flash light.
Closely related to your vision is your mindset. Your beliefs. See if you can track your beliefs. Do you have a hidden belief that you are not lovable? Do you have a belief that your body will never work right? Do you believe that you will never have the perfect partner in life? Track your beliefs as you notice them. Consider whether it is possible to be successful if you are holding a belief that you will never be successful. Become aware of your beliefs so we can see if they might be blocking you, even unconsciously.
Please use a journal to track your discoveries, take notes, record your dreams, list your beliefs, draw pictures, use it in whatever creative way you like to document your journey. A journal allows you to recall important points and awarenesses, to remember "aha" moments later. To see where you were and how much progress you have made. A journal is a wonderful tool for your success.
Wear comfortable clothes for our sessions … and all the rest of the time. The most important thing your clothes can do is allow you to breathe deeply and freely. If your belly is restricted AT ALL by your belt, pants, skirt or shorts then you are depriving your body of full relaxation. Please be in comfortable clothes whenever possible.
Comfort and discomfort. I will do everything I can to give us a comfortable space to be together - easy parking, clean space, well lit, nice temperature, convenient bathroom, water or tea, etc.. At the same time, healthy growth usually involves a little discomfort, usually emotional discomfort. If we never allow any discomfort, we may be playing it too safe and stumping our growth. And life is too short to stump growth.
Relating Before and After Sessions
Before you hire me, I am available by email for questions, comments and concerns. I do not schedule phone or video calls.
My intention is to address all of my emails one time each day, Monday through Friday. There may be some days I do not have an opportunity to sit at the computer and address emails. But on most weekdays I will get back to you within 24 hours.
Anonymity in public. Unless we agree otherwise, if I see you in public I will not act like I know you. That way you will not feel you have to explain to whoever you are with at the time that you are in the surrogate partner program. On the other hand, if you would like me to acknowledge you, we can agree to that and I will be more than happy to do that. It's up to you.
Once you hire me I LOVE to have email updates and questions from you! I will be on your team completely. I will be on your team for all time. Please do not hesitate to email me with any questions, concerns, updates or successes. I will be very happy to hear from you.
I will not initiate communication with you unless it is an emergency, logistical concern or extenuating circumstance. This is to protect you. I do not want you to wonder if I am stalking you, harassing you, pushing you to do anything or say anything, needing your attention, etc.. By not initiating contact with you these concerns should never arise. It's my way of keeping it clean.
Happy holidays! Holidays are hard for me because I have the strong urge to contact all of my past clients to wish them happy holidays. If you become a client, please know that I really want to contact you at that time to give you my best wishes. But I won't due to my policy explained in the above paragraph. So ... Happy holidays, my love! I will be thinking fondly of you especially then.